Guh! T_T

Complicatedness!


Electric Blue
The Cranberries

Day Ten: Songs you listen to when you are…

Happy; Cute by Stephen Jerzak, The Ballad of Love and Hate by The Avett Brothers,  All I Want is You by Barry Louis Palisar, I’m a Believer by Smash Mouth

Sad; The Part You Throw Away by Tom Waits, Somebody More Like You by Nickel Creek, Nothing Came Out by The Moldy Peaches, Electric Blue by the Cranberries

Hyped; Engwish Bwudd by Man Man, Bleed it Out by Linkin Park, Welcome Home by Coheed and Cambria

Mad; I Don’t Care by Apocalyptica, Stupid Girl by Cold, anything by Breaking Benjamin, Red, Linkin Park, Three Days Grace, etc.

The audio file above is Electric Blue by the Cranberries (: I’m not sad at the moment, but I love the song.


Day Nine: Something you did within the past few days that you are proud of.

Decorating the cover of my sketchbook (:


This is not a dream…

My mom is late today picking me up.

When she pulls up and gets out of the car to let me in the drivers seat I ask why and she just shakes her head and goes to the passenger side. I pull out and drive over to exit out of the side entrance and I see a space for me to exit in the oncoming traffic so I start to go…momma yells “Wait! Stop!”

I stomp the breaks and say, “What?!” I had tons of room…

Then she finally tells me that I can pull out, so I do, then she tells me to pull into the fire station. She looks freaked out, like she’s just seen a ghost or something. We sit there in the lot at the station for at least five minutes. She’s just sitting there with her forehead pressed to her palm and that look on her face. Then suddenly she looks at me and says, “Can I drive home today?” I got out of the car and we switched. She sat there in the drivers seat for a few more minutes and then she pulls out. All the way home she drives at 35, 40 mph even when the speed limit is higher. Then at one turn she stops at the sign, looks for oncoming traffic. There is none but she doesn’t move. She just sits. Her hand reaches out toward all the AC buttons under the CD player and radio buttons and such. She looks confused, like there should be something there for her to push but it isn’t. After a few seconds, she pulls her hand back and continues driving.

We get home and as soon as she stops in the driveway she asks, “What’re you doing today, Cake?” This is the first normal thing she’s said since she showed up at the school to get me but I look over at her and the fear in her eyes is still there. The fear shows all over her face. The set of her lips, her eyebrows…I shrug. I’d planned to do what I always do. Laptop, drawing, TV, etc. Except that Jennifer is coming over so that we can finish a project for Psychology.

She stumbles through the yard, looking at the grass like there’s something hiding in it, she doesn’t even make a path straight to the porch. She takes detours, searching all the way.

Inside, I sit my stuff down and she asks, “Do you believe in luck and superstition?” I asked why and she just shrugged again. She left to go to her room and I went into the kitchen to fix myself some tea and a snack. While I’m putting the food in the microwave, she goes back past me to the other end of the house. I follow her when I see that she’s going into my room. What would she be doing in my room?

She stands in the doorway for a second, taking everything in, observing. Then comes the searching again. First on the top level of my desk shelves, then she slides over to stand in front of the window at the foot of my bed, staring at it—not outside of it, at the actual window—and the searching the floor below it and the vent near it. I step in and silently sit down at my desk, watching her. She turns around and asks, “Do you know CPR?” I tell her the procedure. She looks down at her feet, shifting her weight from one to the other and says, “I need shoes,” but makes no move to go get any. She starts to ask something else, “Do you remember…” but instead of finishing says, “No! This is crazy!”

I repeat her, “Do I remember?”

She shakes her head and whispers to herself repeatedly, “This is not a dream, this is not a dream…”

I say, “No, momma, you’re not in a dream.”

Then she looks at me and asks me if I will please not close my door today. I agree and she walks out saying, “I’ll be back.”

I follow her out to get the food that I’d left in the microwave and while I’m in there she says that we should open all the windows, I also see her cut the AC off. We open the ones in the kitchen, and then her room, and then she follows me (with my food this time) back across the house to open mine. Before I can touch the latch she says, “Be careful where you put your hands.”

I check before I open them. It strikes me odd that they were a lot harder to open than usual, although it may have been just because I was freaked out at the way mom was acting.

She checked the floor and the window sill at my other window and then she walks out again.


Day Eight: Short term goals for this month and why.

  • Get my license! I’m eligible this thursday, I just have to convince my mom to let me get it.
  • Hang out with all the cool people that I haven’t really seen since last school year.
  • Attend yoga! Which Jen will be instructing (:
  • History club?

Uhhh. Yeah. I’m pretty sure that’s just about it. Haha. I don’t have a lot of set goals for myself at the moment.


Sometimes I really just want to go outside and scream at the top of my lungs for as long as possible.

Sometimes I really just want to go outside and scream at the top of my lungs for as long as possible.


Went to see my new Nephew today.

He was super tiny! His name is David, like his Grandfather’s was. He had his Daddy’s nose. He slept most of the time, but when I held him I swear he opened his eyes and smiled at me.

When I see his father, Jonathan, I’m always astounded. He’s changed so much since he had his first little girl, Marina. Anyone who says that a person who’s made a lot of mistakes can’t change, Jonathan is living proof that you’re wrong. To be honest, he gives me a whole lot of hope.


Day Seven: A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you.
Nik. She makes me want to be a better person.

Day Seven: A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you.

Nik. She makes me want to be a better person.


Day Six: Favorite superhero and why.
I’m gonna have to agree with Jen on this one. Wolverine is the best, although my reason is quite different…He’s just so obviously awesome it was inevitable that I choose him.

Day Six: Favorite superhero and why.

I’m gonna have to agree with Jen on this one. Wolverine is the best, although my reason is quite different…He’s just so obviously awesome it was inevitable that I choose him.


Day Five: A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.

The absolute BEST place I’ve ever been was Alabama with my bbycake Selina, her family, and Jennifer(: